MY LETTER TO MISSY by vanderKOK

Dear Melissa, March 26, 2009

Hello, how are you, the person I always cared for & still do?

I. re RECENT EVENTS :

Missy, I am writing to you now, the FIRST MOMENT possible since finding out where you potentially may be. I have been trying to write to you, or send a card to you, or stay in touch with you by mail over the years thinking you have been married all this time. In fact, the few times that I managed to drive through Michigan over the past few years I also tried to drive past your house in Muskegon, or at least wherever I thought you might live. I even dropped a Bible in your mailbox one time may years ago as I was starting my ministry. I hope you UNDERSTAND why I have TRIED to keep in touch. I have ALWAYS CARED about you & for you.

When we met WAY BACK in high school 25 YEARS AGO I immediately liked you & we immediately had a mutual attraction to each other, at least I thought so. We were YOUNG & we were enjoying each other’s company SO MUCH. I remember SO MANY GOOD TIMES with you: At the beach, in the car, double dating, out-and-about, with other friends too. We had the BEST OF TIMES !

1. LOSS OF A FRIEND: Rick Byle
Do you remember some of the friends we had ? How about Rick Byle ? Well, unfortunately, I regret to inform you (if you have not recently heard) that Rick died in a snowmobile accident just last month (Feb, 2009). In fact, it was because of Rick’s death that I noticed a few entries on his online obituary in the Grand Rapids Press & one of them was from LDM. Do you remember her ?

2. CONNECTING with LDM & ASKING HOW IS MISSY

Well, I exchanged a few emails with LDM and the FIRST THING I asked her even before we talked about Rick Byle was HOW IS MISSY ?! And after Rick’s funeral in Michigan (which I was NOT able to attend because I’m still in California & it just was not possible to go there) LDM responded to me and said she “thought” she heard you were divorced. I COULDN’T BELIEVE it. LDM did NOT know any more details than that—and didn’t even know for sure where you are now.

For the past few month I kept ASKING LDM by e-mail if she knew WHERE YOU ARE and she said she would try to find out but the only number she knew turned out to be your grandmother who gave her a phone number to try that was disconnected. Then LDM tried calling Amy & Amy said she would try to find out but as of March 24 I still did NOT have any better idea.

So I finally asked somebody I knew who knows how to locate people to try to FIND YOU FOR ME and this person said that she THOUGHT you MIGHT be living in Ohio with your sister Cindy. And this person gave me a few POSSIBLE addresses where I might be able to reach you.


II WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT for me to REACH YOU

Missy, remember back to our HIGH SCHOOL DAYS & the GOOD TIMES we had together. Do you remember HOW MUCH FUN we had—the laughter & the conversation & the affection we had for each other ? I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS FONDLY & I always remembered you fondly. We had a GREAT RELATIONSHIP up until that ONE FATEFUL NIGHT when I drove you home from a night out—and after sitting in the car for a while I drove up the driveway and one thing led to another and I was going into your house, down the stairs, & into the bedroom with you. DO YOU REMEMBER ? Of course you do ! Who could forget that FATEFUL MOMENT ?

Before re-telling what happened next let me TELL YOU HOW MUCH I RESPECTED YOU and what it meant for me to be with you. You know as well as I know that we had some intimate moments but we NEVER WENT TOO FAR and I believe both of us respected those limits knowing we were TOO YOUNG at the time to go too far. And even being in your bedroom I would have RESPECTED those limits & I KNEW, intuitively, that you did too.

This is WHY I now look back on that MOMENT as a SPIRITUAL MOMENT—somehow arranged by GOD that neither of us understood at the time as such, and maybe still NOT FULLY to this day, but I am becoming convinced of it, more & more, all the time. I’m sure you are familiar with Romeo & Juliet---and thankfully we are, or were, NOT as tragic as them, and thankfully you are STILL ALIVE despite some hardships & difficult times. Likewise, I am STILL ALIVE despite some hardships & difficult times.

Today, I can now speak of “THE NIGHT” but immediately after that particular evening I was very embarrassed all the more so because of the way your mother seemed to think I was a bad person (or so I thought). And I NEVER TOLD anybody about that night, until recently. Actually, I asked LDM if she knew what happened and I was surprised when she immediately remembered. And we did NOT speak the rest of that school year—perhaps you were embarrassed too, & then after high school I returned to California.

I remember being SO SURPRISED when you suddenly showed up at KNOTTS BERRY FARM with your mom & your sister (Cindy ?) and I was STILL TOO EMBARRASSED to talk with you, at least with your mom being there, & I am SORRY that I did not do so at the time. I TRULY did NOT know how to respond to, or resolve, the events that took place that night & so I just went SILENT, so to speak, & tried to DISTANCE MYSELF NOT from you but from that particular night.

And then I went to college, not just Calvin College, but a few semesters at other colleges, including Hawaii & Spain, & I also did some short-term mission work including Costa Rica & Philippines, & eventually ended up back Grand Rapids for more education at Calvin College from 1992 to 1994. At that point I had NO IDEA where you were & figured you had FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME.

III. AT the RESTAURANT by WOODLAND MALL

And so I was TAKEN COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE when suddenly JACK HOLWERDA came to me and told me you wanted to MEET WITH ME. I was so excited to see you again, but he didn’t give me any idea what it was about, NOR did he inform you that MY MIND by that time was FAR AWAY from Grand Rapids & ready to get out of there again. I had NO REAL EMOTIONAL support in Grand Rapids anymore and was looking forward to completing my teaching degree & possibly going off to another country again.

WHEN I MET WITH YOU sometime in 1994 (??) I believe you were about ready to get married but you came to me with UTMOST SINCERITY I REALIZE NOW IN RETROSPECT and you were TRYING TO TELL ME that you STILL cared about me. And MISSY, PLEASE BELIEVE that I STILL CARED about you & always did, but at the time I was EMOTIONALLY FLAT & was NO LONGER in touch with my feelings toward you or anybody else. I had been through a few things myself at the time. Also, it would have BEEN BETTER if Jack had left us alone for a while.

And so it has been FIFTEEN YEARS since we had that very brief get together with Jack listening in and after leaving our little get together at the restaurant by Woodland Mall I finished my second bachelor’s degree & got my teaching degree & taught school for a few years here in California & YOU apparently went ahead and got married.

IV. TRAVELING WITH LOLA MY GOLDEN
FOR FOURTEEN YEARS
After TEACHING I left education & decided to go back for MY MASTERS-in-DIVINITY and ended up back in Grand Rapids for another year (1996-97), this time at Calvin Seminary, and then the next four or five years I spent at FULLER SEMINARY in Pasadena, California and have stayed around Southern California ever since then, while also traveling on a regular basis, especially with LOLA MY GOLDEN RETRIEVER for fourteen years until June of 2007 when she passed away.


V. DOING CHRISTIAN EVANGELISM,
& INSPIRATIONAL FILM

Also, while going through Fuller Seminary I started my own ministry, Mustard Seed Ministries & did a lot of traveling & street evangelism as well as FILMING & creating (or trying to) inspirational films and that is what I continue to do at the moment while also helping occasionally in public education.

VI MY RELATIONSHIPS & MY CURRENT STATUS

I’ve had a few relationships over the years, mostly brief & ending due to various circumstances, most of which had to do with logistics or unexpected circumstances but I REALIZE NOW that actually there was something either PSYCHOLOGICAL or SPIRITUAL happening that prevented me from maintaining meaningful relationships with any of these girls or starting new ones because I had NOT PROPERLY RESOLVED my relationship with YOU ! Our relationship had suddenly terminated under somewhat traumatic circumstances & it was NEVER PROPERLY RESOLVED and discussed, nor truly had the chance to resume under proper circumstances.

VII IS THIS THE TIME to MEET or CHAT & BE RECONCILED ?

And NOW IS OUR CHANCE to at least TALK with each other and FOR ME to do the right thing and address what happened & to be a gentleman & stand up for you, & to do what is right & be a good, Christian person as well as loving, human person. And I still have FEELINGS for you, & CARE for you, & ALWAYS DID ! Can we FINALLY MEET TOGETHER without any distractions? Or at least chat by e-mail at first ?

There are NO EXPECTATIONS . I have NO IDEA how you are feeling & doing EMOTIONALLY or SPIRITUALLY . All I heard is that you might have gotten divorced, but nobody really seems to know anything else or even if that is true. BELIEVE ME I am not judgmental & believe that whatever might have happened it certainly happened for a reason. Sometimes things change for a reason. You may feel hurt, you may feel relieved, you may feel free. You may feel confused. You may feel again or young again, or you may feel old. If you had children with this man maybe you have some feelings in regard to the children.

I DO NOT know how you are feeling or even if you have another relationship with somebody. ALL I KNOW is that I want to get together with you or at least, at first, chat by email or otherwise. DO YOU USE E-MAIL ? If so can you e-mail me at vanderKOK@GMAIL.com ? Or can you call me at 323-244-9883 ?


It is NOW MARCH of 2009 almost APRIL . Will we EVER SEE EACHOTHER or TALK to EACHOTHER again ? I HOPE SO. I PRAY SO. Please, MISSY, now is the time. I am HERE !

YOUR TRUE FRIEND FOREVER

(John) Philip A. (vander) KOK

Missy, I often go by “John” now and have also added “vander” to my name because of the culture here in Los Angeles.