WHERE's MY MISSY ?!

3/8/09
Where’s ‘MY MISSY ? The Search CONTINUES

Hey folks ! I’ve mentioned Missy (or Melissa) previously in a message some time ago & also in last week’s message (without naming names) & NOW it is time to become more direct & straightforward.

I knew MISSY during high school & we had a romantic relationship for a while which was interrupted & essentially terminated for the last 24 years when I got caught by her mom with Missy in Missy’s downstairs bedroom late at night back during the 1984-95 school year. Actually I got caught UNDER Missy’s bed by Missy’s mom who apparently heard us come in or heard us whispering in the bedroom below them.

To this day, I can’t figure out why I listened to Missy encouraging me to “come in” that dark night after we sat by the train tracks near their home on Grand River Drive in Ada, Michigan. It was a foolish thing to do.

Up until that time our relationship had been great & I respected her & we had intimate moments but there were limits that we both respected. I meant to sustain those limits knowing it would be even more foolhardy to go beyond those limits at such a young age.

And I believed in retrospect that had we not been caught by Missy’s mom those limits STILL would have been maintained. I respected Missy too much to go beyond those limits & I knew she respected me too.

Given such, what MISSY’s mom discovered was actually nothing more than TWO COVENANT KIDS being mischievous down below Missy’s mom & dad (whom I never met).

Nonetheless, Missy’s mom must have imagined the WORST and probably only assumed one possible outcome—that her little Missy would become pregnant. Thus, as Missy’s mom walked down the stairs apparently already positive that there was a “guy” down below with her little missy I am sure this “guy” loomed like a big bad boy in her mind.

Missy apparently heard her coming and whispered to me “Get under the bed !” I frantically fell off the bed and rolled underneath. Missy tried to quickly smooth the blankets out & then suddenly the lights came on & I could see the feet of Missy’s mom. Missy weakly said, “Hi mom, what’s the matter?” I remember every single moment as if it happened yesterday. My heart was beating so loud it probably led Missy’s mom right to me.

Suddenly, the face of Missy’s mom appeared, & she stared directly into my eyes with a GLARE that could have killed me. “GET UP !” she ordered. And then “GET OUT !” There was NO UNCERTAINTY nor any equivocation on the part of Missy’s mom.

In retrospect I wish Missy’s mom could have LAUGHED or fake laughed about it & been a little nicer & politely but firmly conversed with us about why it was FOOLISH for us to be in bed together as mere seniors in high school.

In retrospect, I wish Missy’s mom could have taken a moment to PRAY with us while also counseling us as to why we were TOO YOUNG to be in bed together & as Christian kids from the Christian school should be a little wiser.

In retrospect I wish I could have told Missy’s mom that Missy & I RESPECTED each other & that we had already established “limits” in our intimacy while also acknowledging that it was STUPID for us to be in bed together at her parent’s home that night.

But NONE of that happened & I did what any 17 or 18 year old high school kid would do. I grabbed my jacket and RAN out the door, without looking back.

And I was SO ASHAMED & embarrassed about that moment being that I was a “Christian” kid from “Christian High” & being that I was a “preacher’s kid” & supposed to be good & smart & go on to a good college that I NEVER MENTIONED this MOMENT to anybody, not even my closest friends.

Furthermore, my relationship with Missy ended for the time being. It was as if suddenly the trauma of the moment prevented me from even being able to talk with Missy again, for the time being.

Time went by. I didn’t see Missy much at school if at all. We didn’t have any of the same classes. And my parents were living in California by that time so during the holidays I went back out to the west coast.

Then, that summer—the summer of ’85 after I had just graduated from high school I was working at Knotts Berry Farm & suddenly Missy appeared ! But she was with her mom & her sister. First they had driven to Salt Lake City for a music festival, and then they decided to drive to California—just to see me ? I don’t know . I hope not. Because I STILL could not talk to Missy and especially NOT to Missy’s mom. Somehow they found me at Knotts Berry Farm but the moment was brief—and it was NOT a moment of reconciliation, that was for sure.

So time continued to go by & I went to Calvin College & Missy went somewhere else (I’m not sure, maybe Western Michigan ?) She was musically gifted as I recall, but I don’t know if she kept pursuing music.

Time went by quickly & I graduated from Calvin College for the first time in 1989 with a BA in psychology. I still hadn’t seen Missy nor reconciled with her mom. I worked at Pine Rest for a year as a mental health worker. Then I went to law school at Wayne State University. I became depressed before the first semester ended & realized the study of law was NOT for me & left Wayne State.

I passed thru Grand Rapids & talked to a few friends, including Doug Kosters & then I headed west to California. A month later I got a call informing me that Doug Kosters had commit suicide. I flew back for the funeral & then returned to California.

I didn’t do too much for the next few weeks until suddenly there was an earthquake in Costa Rica & I volunteered to do disaster relief. I flew to Costa Rica & worked with some fellows from the Christian Reformed Church (CRC) to help the earthquake victims. Then lo & behold a fellow offered me a job teaching his kids down in the rainforest where he owned a tourist camp. So I taught his two kids in a tiny little schoolroom he build for them until the end of that summer—the summer of ’91.

Returning to the STATES I planned to go to seminary at Calvin & drove back there—STILL in all this time to make a long story short I had not seen or heard from Missy & I believe God kept her out of my mind for the time being so I would not fret. I had various other relationships, mostly brief, which came to NO long-lasting fruition.

And then I did a summer mission in the Philippines (’92) and switched from Calvin Seminary back to the college for a second bachelors degree. I decided to try teaching instead—thinking I could be a “missionary teacher”, maybe in China—like my friend Audrey van oen did.

Two years back at Calvin from ’92-94 & I believe it was during this period that my friend Jack suddenly told me that Missy wanted to see me. I had NO IDEA that she was even around Grand Rapids anymore nor what she was doing.

She apparently was working at a clothes store at Woodland Mall & so Jack & I drove there and went to a nearby restaurant as she was leaving work.

In retrospect, I realize that GOD had put a veil over my eyes & maybe my heart for the time being. In fact I don’t think I really knew WHICH WAY WAS UP at the time I met with Jack & Missy. I was just focused on getting this education finished & moving on.

So we sat down to eat & Missy says some things about getting married. Apparently she was engaged or close to being engaged to some fellow but the GIST of the conversation was that she was NOT exactly sure if this fellow was the right fellow. In retrospect I realize that is EXACTLY what she was saying to me & wanted to see if I had any feelings for her.

And I DID have feelings for her, but they were BURIED DEEP DOWN somewhere in a part of me that I had almost lost ! And I couldn’t get those feelings to come up and reveal themselves at the moment. Maybe it was God saying “It’s still too soon.” Maybe it was just me .

We did NOT stay at that restaurant for very long. I don’t remember saying much of anything, if anything. Jack was there, although he excused himself a few times, but Jack had not given me any premonition of what to expect. In fact, I don’t even know if Missy had told Jack about the bedroom incident. If she had, Jack kept a poker face about it & never mentioned anything.

And that was it, nothing more for the moment. We all walked out. Missy went her way. Maybe I had driven alone & Jack had met me there in his car. I can’t even remember. I can’t remember what I felt at the moment, if anything. In fact I wonder if I was able to even feel anything during those years.

I got my teaching degree—and left Grand Rapids and spent a summer in Jackson Wyoming & was about to go to Hungary when I got a call from Jim Zoetewey (now the late Jim Zoetewey) telling me there was a teaching job available at the school he was teaching at in Coachella valley. I had never been there before. I really wanted to be a “missionary teacher” but at the same time I was stuck with student loan debt which would be nice to get off my back by teaching for a few years at a decent paying job in the states. So I accepted a job there and taught for two years.

Then I returned to Grand Rapids and this time I stuck with my conviction to go to seminary. I did a year at Calvin Seminary and then several more at Fuller Seminary back out in Pasadena (CA).

By that time I was starting to slowly WAKE UP , and was more aware of what was happening around me. I knew Missy was married by that time—simply by checking the high school directory. I noticed she was living in Muskegon & as I was starting my ministry I started to send out Bibles & little inspirational gifts—NOT only to Missy but to a lot of people I knew somewhere along the way as well as people I did not know. It was part of doing ministry and reaching out to people.

Then most recently as some of you might know from the message a few weeks ago, my good ol’ friend Rick Byle died & I responded with condolences & posted a few words on the online obituary section in the Grand Rapids Press.

In the process I noticed Rick’s girlfriend, Liz, from the time I lived with Rick for a semester had also posted her condolences & suddenly I connected with her by email! Liz is one of the few people who knew about me being CAUGHT by MISSY’s MOM in MISSY’s BEDROOM & we discussed it by e-mail. She was very gracious about it & did not condemn me. She was accepting of me & had fond memories of me, as best as I could tell.

And suddenly a part of me that I had forgotten was awoken. Liz also knew Missy from around the time we were in a relationship & we had “double dated” a few times & so I ASKED LIZ, “How is Missy ? I miss her so much !” Liz responded very congenially and was suddenly the NICEST person in the world to me. It felt so good.

Liz told me that she thinks “my Missy” had gotten divorced after discovering her husband had been unfaithful to her. Liz did NOT know much more than that but suddenly my mind was racing !

First, I felt sympathy for Missy because once she got married I respected her vow & commitment & all I ever did was send Christian material reminding her of my presence & my faith (which was her faith as well) and hoped it helped her.

Second, I thought is this the time to TALK to Missy—finally after all these years now that I got my head together so to speak ?!

I wondered where she was but LIZ did not know for sure. I found a po box online and tried sending her a card but it was returned as “wrong address.” I sent a letter to Missy’s mom, Connie, but she did not respond.

I asked Liz who knows a lot of people if she could in ANY WAY help to locate Missy. And she said she would try to help. We kept e-mailing each other and updating each other about our lives. Liz was now married and had two kids & a lot of the Christian school kids I knew from growing up were also married with kids in her same neighborhood with kids at the same school. It was FUN reminiscing.

But so far as of March 14, 2009 I still do NOT know where “MY MISSY” is, nor if I do find her whether she has any feelings for me left in her heart. I HOPE SO. But if not, I will respect her if she tells me frankly, “NO, I don’t care about you anymore.” I just need to hear it one way or another, & hope for the best.

I really truly care for Missy & want to see her and talk to her and look in her eyes, but so far I haven’t found her & I am not able to call her mom. There’s that “MENTAL BLOCK” popping up again. Her mom represents danger to me, even though I should know & understand that she was doing what she thought was best for Missy that night when she said “Get up, get out! “

I don’t know if I can ever call her on the phone and talk with Missy’s mom & I know nothing about her dad. I asked Liz to call and & she said she tried once but no answer. Then Liz said she contacted a friend who said she would start looking once spring break began around April 3. It seems so far away, when Missy could be SO CLOSE. Will I ever see Missy again and be able to look in her eyes and feel her heartbeat ? I hope & pray so. Only God knows for sure.

Am I being foolish again, acting like I’m still in high school, motivated by emotions & hormones alone ? I don’t think so. I think there was something DEEPER to our relationship. God only knows for sure.

But somebody knows, in addition to God, where MISSY is right now & will I ever find out myself ? Once again, God only knows. I can only wait & hope & pray.
Liz has been so helpful to me & I am eternally grateful to her. God bless her.

The MISSY SEARCH continues… stay tuned to find out what happens, if anything. Or, if any of you can help, write “contact me” in the subject line & we can go from there.

GOD BE WITH YOU ALL

JOHN PHILIP A. vander KOK
CHRISTIAN EVANGELIST